I’ve heard many ideas, thoughts, and facts about marriage, both when I was single and after we were married. Some things were true, and some are just plain lies that people have been lead to believe. After almost three years of marriage, we have learned that some advice we received was actually not good advice at all.
The view of marriage has been changing over time. It has become less important, less meaningful, and less desirable.
You know those getting-to-know-you Facebook posts going around where you answer the list of questions about yourself, like your favorite food, color, vacation memory, etc.? I was shocked to see that one of the questions was “How many times have you been divorced?”
It broke my heart to see that it’s actually on one of those lists. Marriage is sacred. It is such a beautiful thing, and the devil is trying to destroy it.
Here is a list of 8 lies we need to stop believing about marriage.
1. You might fall out of love.
I’ve heard of so many couples whose marriages fell apart and they got divorced because one or both of them “fell out of love.” I don’t believe that’s possible because loving someone is a choice, not a feeling.
If someone feels like they fell out of love with their spouse and is now in love with someone else, that means they weren’t guarding their heart and mind to protect their marriage.
Marriage is like a muscle. The more you work at it, the stronger it will become.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23
“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13
2. You deserve to be happy, so if you’re not happy – get out.
I am in a few mom groups on Facebook and I hear of this all the time. A wife is upset because of something about her husband, and the response a lot of other moms give is to “Get out because you deserve to be happy.”
This just means that you are seeking your happiness from your husband, but he’s not the one you should ultimately be seeking joy from. We should be looking to the Lord for our ultimate, deepest joy.
God created marriage to resemble how it is for Christ to love the church – unconditionally.
“We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. . . It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5,7
Related Post: Finding True Joy in Your Marriage
3. Sex will become boring.
This is completely false. If anything, it gets better as time goes on!
I had a coworker several years ago who was still in high school but was sleeping around with girls already. When I mentioned to him one time that Colton and I had chosen to not kiss or go further until our wedding day, he said he thought people like that would have boring sex. They wouldn’t know what they were doing.
Well let me just say that the first night was great, and it has only gotten better. Don’t be afraid that it will become boring in a marriage. It get’s better because you know what each other likes and you begin to feel more confident and comfortable.
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth- for your love is more delightful than wine.” Song of Songs 1:1
“My beloved is mine and I am his…” Song of Songs 2:16
4. You can always just get a divorce if it doesn’t work out.
You know there’s going to be trouble if you walk into a marriage with this kind of thinking. At any sign of hardship, a person can just leave? Give up? It doesn’t sound like they are very committed if that’s how they think.
We go through our hardships, like any marriage does, but we never consider divorce as an option or a way out.
“Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.“ Mark 10:9
(I’m not talking about situations where a spouse is abusive. If this is the case for you, please seek help.)
5. Your kids should come first because they can’t care for themselves.
It’s true that you are the providers and protectors of your children, but it’s possible to take wonderful care of your children and still put your spouse first.
Children need an example of a strong marriage. That is the best thing they can have.
After all, when you grow old and your children leave home, you are left with your spouse, not your children. So you might as well cultivate and keep that relationship strong up until that point.
“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.“ Proverbs 25:24
6. You stop dating each other once you’re married.
They say it takes a lifetime to really get to know someone, so why stop dating when you get married?
Of course, it can be difficult to get alone time after you start having kids, but there are ways around that! Have a date night at home. Those can be pretty fun, too.
One blessing for us of living with family is that they are home to listen for the baby while he’s sleeping so we can go out. We’ve had many late night dates to Denny’s because of that.
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22
7. You “leave the party early” if you get married young.
I got married at 19 and was one of the first among my friends to get married. However, I don’t have any regrets with getting married young. Marrying in your youth means that you can grow and learn together. We love that we are able to go through the throws of life side by side.
I’ve heard some people say that someone doesn’t know what kind of person they want when they’re young. They should date a lot of people and then they know their “type.” That may be true for some people, but getting married young is not bad or wrong.
I never thought I would get married young. I thought I would at least be in my late twenties before I met the man I would marry. However, the Lord had other plans for me and I am thankful.
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.“ Proverbs 5:18
“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
8. Pornography won’t hurt your marriage.
There have been so many studies of how harmful it can be, yet it’s becoming more and more common in the media for people to think it’s okay. And some people think it’s okay if the couple watches it together…
Here’s an article about 15 scientifically explained reasons why porn isn’t healthy for viewers or society.
“I will not look with approval on anything that is vile. I hate what faithless people do; I will have no part in it.“ Psalm 101:3
“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28
“You shall not commit adultery.” Exodus 20:14
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4
These 8 lies about marriage are being believed by more and more people and are being taught to the next generation. This is why it’s so important to teach our children the importance and sacredness of marriage while they are young. “Raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Proverbs 22:6
My aim is to help others value the importance of marriage and keep it sacred like the Lord created it to be. Will you stand with me?
I agree with these but #5 is so difficult for me!!! I need to work on that one.
It can be difficult for me, too! Some people think that putting your husband first means not taking care of your kids, but that’s not it at all. It’s just hard to determine exactly how to put him first when little children need so much care.
#1 reminds me of something I read in one of Elizabeth Gilbert’s books (I think), when she realized that getting divorced or having an affair is not like hitting black ice while driving, it is something we can guard against and prevent. (That being said, I do think divorce is wise in some situations, like when one partner is abusive). I love that metaphor and the reminder to continue to choose to love our spouse every day.
I haven’t read any books by her, but I agree. It’s definitely something we can control and guard against. And yes, divorce would be wise when there’s abuse. Thanks for your thoughts!
Amen! I agree 100% Marriage is a beautiful thing and i’m praying me and my husband can be great examples for our children.
I’m so glad you’re striving to be great examples for your children. It’s so important. Keep it up!
Hi Heather!
Wow! This is such an amazing post and so timely for our culture right now. I 100% agree with everything you said here.
Marriage is sacred and I am blessed to be married to the best man for five years this year. We’ve known each other since we were seven years old ❤️ God told him we were going to be married when he was eleven but it took me awhile to figure it out haha I’d love to read more of your love story. Your wedding pictures are beautiful!
I’m pinning this on Pinterest in my marriage board. People need to read this.
Thank you for writing this!
Brooke
That’s so sweet that you and your husband have known each other since you were seven! I’d love to read your love story, too. Is it on your blog? I’ll have to check and see. 🙂 I have a really short version of ours on my About Me page, but I will be adding our whole story to it soon!
Thank you so much for your encouragement! And that you took the time to read and engage. I really appreciate it!
#6 is what my husband and I are struggling with in our marriage at the moment. But this list that you have provided, is heartbreaking. To think that some people view marriage as something so meaningless that you can just get a divorce because of whatever reasons. I agree with you, marriage is sacred, it is not easy, and it takes work. You have to work at it every single day, if you want your marriage to work.
We struggle with that one, too. It’s hard to find time to go out on dates and spend quality time with just the two of us. And yes, marriage is hard work, but it’s definitely worth the effort! Thank you for your comment.
I LOVE this! Yes yes yes!! 👏👏👏
These are all the exact things I’ve learned in my first 5 years of marriage. I love that my husband and I have gotten to grow and change together. It’s built a stronger relationship with each other. And we both agreed before marriage that divorce is not an option. I once heard that when the loving feeling goes away, keep loving them anyways and the feeling people describe as love will come back. I’ve found that to be true. Ups and downs, keep being a loving wife or husband because feelings can change from day to day but how you act on them affects the rest of your life.
Yes, that’s great advice! It’s hard work to be married, but it’s also wonderful. So we will always be thankful we put in the effort. <3 Thank you for your thoughts!!
What a great post.. thanks for sharing
Thank you! Glad you liked it.
This is such a great post and you make valid points that many of us need to hear! Society has forced a notion of “marriage” down our throats that is not actually what a marriage needs to be in order to be successful! My husband and I have talked about these points because not many of our friends feel the same way as we do! I look forward to reading your posts!
Thank you so much for your encouragement! It’s sad but true that society has such a twisted view of marriage. It’s always nice to hear of other people who agree with the way God created a marriage to be.
#5 is so so hard and it definitely feels like marriage takes a backseat when you have a baby and a toddler. Definitely been trying to work on it!
It’s definitely hard to spend quality time with your husband when you have kids. But it’s worth working on! Great job. 🙂
This is wonderful! I agree 100%! And God’s design for marriage is so beautiful! Thanks for sharing ❤️
Thank you so much! His design truly is. ❤
I SO agree with these! My husband and I go on a date every week! Sometimes it’s a date at home and sometimes we go out, but we always make time for each other. It’s been fun to try to come up with different, unique date ideas too! One thing my mom always told me is if you divorce someone just because you’re not happy, or there are things that bother you about him, more than likely you will have similar struggles with someone else when you remarry. Our spouses aren’t perfect and neither are we. Most of the time, if we work on bettering ourselves, our view of our spouse will be different. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? With the Love Dare? We love that movie and it reminds me of what you listed in this post. Thanks for writing it!
That’s so wonderful that you and your husband go on a date every week! We only have date nights about once a month, but we should start doing them more often, even at-home dates! And that’s a great point that your mom made. It’s true! And yes, I’ve seen the movie Fireproof and I love it! That’s truly a compliment that my article reminded you of that movie. 🙂 Thank you!
YES! Yes to all of this! These are all things I tell other people when they wonder why my husband and I are 6 years and two kids in and still head of heels.
Another one, I hear is that it takes “work” to stay in love and be married. We haven’t experienced that at all. We were best friends, we got married and we are still best friends. Communication has kept us close, and in love.
I’m so happy for you that your marriage is so strong! It’s a lot easier to go through the throws of marriage with Christ at the center holding you together. And communication is definitely important. Thanks for your comment!
Well written and very biblically founded. Honestly, I was a little hestitant to read your post, with where our culture is at, I was worried about what you would write but I am in complete agreement with you. Marriage is sacred and to love someone forever is hard and selfless. But the purpose of marriage is to get your spouse to Heaven, and vise versa, which is hard work. Continue spreading the truth in the midst of a counterculture.
Well thank you for reading my article, even though you were hesitant! I truly do appreciate your encouragement. I’ve never heard of the idea that the purpose of marriage is to get your spouse to heaven, but I do believe spouses can encourage and build each other up in the Lord, strengthening their walks with Him. Faith in Jesus Christ alone is the only way to heaven. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.”
I’ve been married for 21 years now and we have learned that everything everyone told us was a lie. We only pay attention to each other and what we need and want. No one else’s opinions and ideas are for us. Every single marriage is different and unique in its own way. This is a great article and has so much truth in it, thanks for sharing.
I’m glad you found what works for you in your marriage. And congratulations on making it 21 years together!
Marriage is falling in love over and over again every day. It’s work that too many people give up on too easily. Great post!
It’s true, we can’t just give up on each other when hardships come. When couples say their vows at their wedding, they are promising to stick with each other through the easy times and the hard times. Sadly, people have just lost the idea of taking those promises seriously.
Heather- You are precious. This Post is amazing and I love you for stating the truth. Marriage is work, patient, kind and loving. My husband and I have date night at least twice a month, and always make time for each other alone. We love God first, then each other and then our kids. You keep sharing your beautiful words.
Thank you very much! I’m glad to hear that you make date night a priority. And with God at the center of your marriage, your relationship will last a lifetime.
I think this needs to be shared and read annually. I’m coming up on my 4 year anniversary, and this was an awesome reminder that some things need to be revived!
Thank you so much! I’m so glad this article spoke to you. Congratulations on 4 years with your sweetheart!
Hi Heather,
Totally agree with you on every point mentioned. It’s true, people aren’t guarding their marriage and so, many are falling apart from this God-ordained institution!
Nevertheless, I liked the way how you mentioned a Scripture for every point! Great post! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you! I appreciate your encouragement!